Cats – Cleopatra’s love or secretly a frenemy to the human race? Hmmm, I dunno. I’ve met some cool cats in my time, but then there are some just plain sneaky secret agent cats with a hidden agenda.
I’ve noticed a neighbourhood cat scoping out my flat recently. It’s been slinking around, sees me, then it makes a swift exit stage right. This morning, it came up to my lounge door and stared in. Not a normal stare… a stare to make you wonder what it’s really up to. I don’t want to leave the house, because it may come back later with its buddies Puss Puss and Cuddles, and rob the place. I reckon it’s also made a tidy deposit in my herb garden too.
To be honest, I reckon we could put them off their evil game plans, and show them who is top dog. I have a series of tried and tested solutions that will put that feline back in its place.
1. Cat Bungys
Take your favourite four-legged foe. Place your left hand on its chest, just under its front legs – kind of like you’re picking it up. With your right hand, take a firm grip on the hind legs – just how you would if you’d proudly skinned your first rabbit. Now still holding on, let it drop down towards the floor, at the same time make some ‘boing, boing’ sound effects, then bring it back up to you. Does the cat mind? Not really, but hey – you’ve just done a cat bungy!
2. Dress It Up
Put some clothes on the moggy. It will be suitably unimpressed. You can always take pictures of it in costume, and show them to your cat’s mates…. it is sure to go down a few notches in the popularity stakes.
3. Stare At It While It’s Crapping
They’re allowed to barge in on you while you’re on the loo, so why not reciprocate? Once the cat’s parked up, give it a good don’t mess with me stare. Raise one eyebrow if you will. Cats absolutely hate this.
4. Fight Back
Cat comes over, looking for a good ol’ behind the ear scratching. Just as it’s about to nestle in, unleash your surprise attack. Make a claw hand and start hissing at it. Couple it with a few low growling roooows. Perfect. You’ve just showed it who the boss is.
5. The Ape Chase
Find yourself in an open outdoor space with a cat approaching? Don’t worry. Lift those arms straight up above your head and wave them around like you just don’t care. Then run towards the cat. Fantastic fun!
6. Sticky Paws
Now for the piece de resistance….. Take one cat and a supply of tape. Gently apply tape to the bottom of its paws, and then place the cat on the floor. Now watch that moggy jive! You never know, you could be claiming yourself some new dance moves after witnessing this.
So to all you feline friendlies out there, with your matching cat coffee mugs and cushions… I can guarantee you that the cat always comes back.