You’re hosting a shindig. You’ve invited around a few people; friends, colleagues, maybe family, and the people you have to because they invited you to theirs. On the day you; clean up, make a few dips, clear the fridge for wine and beer, sort out the music, maybe decorate a little, get yourself ready, arrange bowls of chips and nuts, pour yourself a glass of vino, then put on some music that you hope will be an overall crowd pleaser.
Guests start arriving. Not just any guests, certain types of people who make up a party. Below is a carefully crafted rundown of the people that will inevitably show up.
– The Host – There to serve and protect household goods that may or may not make it through the night. Usually not the drunkest person of the night, as they have to cater to everyone else’s needs.
– The Drunk – There’s at least one person who drinks like a fish and stumbles around trying to engage in what they think is either witty, charming, or intelligent conversation.
– The Player – Well known and well deserving of their title, but they still manage to not go home alone.
– The Predator – Can work alongside The Player. The one who takes advantage of a drunken situation.
– The Stoner – You walk outside and smell those sticky greens burning away; momentarily taking you back to those parties you snuck out to in high school. They are also manning the chip bowl.
– The Drug Dealer – Propped up against the wall, waiting for customers. Got a pocket full of stash and a pocket full of cash.
– The Dodgy Married Guy, Who Pretends He’s Not – Either left hand in pocket, or a bare ring finger with extreme indentation. He also has a butter wouldn’t melt smile.
– The Lost One – Only knows one person there. Goes to the toilet and comes back looking for her friend, who is tucked outside talking to the eligible bachelor.
– The Boring Person – Nothing they say is of interest. You would rather drive toothpicks under your fingernails. Nine times out of ten, you get stuck with them.
– The Cougar – There’s always one glammed up and on the prowl.
– The Beer-fuelled Fighter – A few drinks later and they are fired up over anything and everything.
– The Crier – Too much gin maybe…. But once those tears start streaming down the face, there’s no hope for recovery.
– The DJ – At the stereo, with the next 10 songs lined up.
– The ‘Oh My God This Is My Song’ Girl – Not only do they now apparently own the song, but they let everybody know the fact by screaming it out.
– The Hater – They stand around and judge anybody who dares walk passed, to anyone who will listen.
– The Classy One – They’re wearing an outfit straight out of Vogue, with accessories to die for and make-up worthy of Kate Hudson. They sip away at their drink and engage in intellectual conversation.
– The Flirt – The girl that goes around all of the guys, just sharing the love and spreading her attention.
– The Bad Dancer – Carlton Banks, move over. This person definitely has one up on you.
– The Comic – Amusing the surrounding people with hilarious anecdotes and impersonations of the attending guests.
– The Loud Mouth – Talks waaaaay toooo loud and won’t let you get an edge-way in the conversation. You have resorted to shutting your trap and nodding your head.
– The Life of the Party – Entertaining, and generally a person that you want to be your friend for life.
– The Know-it-all – Nothing you ever say is going to be good enough around this person, because they either know it better than you, prove you wrong, or just generally be a prick.
– The Shy Until Drunk – Then the ‘real’ them is revealed.
– The Show Off – Like an only child….. Look at me, look at me, look at me!
– The Random – Slips in unsuspectedly off the street. Hopes to blend in, until The Host rocks up and says ‘Who are you?’
– The Guy Who Bought Along a Girl, But is Not Sure If It’s a Date – They’re kind of mates. He asks her to a party. She says “Yeah, sure”. He wonders ‘is this a date?’She’s hoping it’s not. She’d rather be spending her first date at a fancy restaurant.
– The Kleptomaniac – The person who slyly helps themselves to whatever they can tuck into their handbag or jacket.
– The Nana/Piker – The person who comes along and slips away before all the fun really begins.
– The Smelly One – Whether it’s the B.O. or the bad breath, you want to grab a scarf or shirt sleeve and use it as a gas mask. Just make sure you always carry some gum so that you can share it round when that person comes over to chat.
– The Game Organizer – This person always has a drinking game on hand, and usually the perfect one for the occasion.
– The Sneaky Hook-Up – The person who always manages to find a shrub, or bathroom to go for a quickie.
– The Friend of a Friend – Only knows their mate, who knows heaps of people there already. Too bad if they’re shy.
– The Workmate – You don’t really know them that well, but thought you’d invite them to be nice. Be careful, because your drunken singing into the potato masher and dancing with the lamp could end up as Monday morning trash gossip in the office.
– The Happily Ever After – Guy meets gal at party. They make a connection, and before you know it they’re buying a house with a white picket fence.
– The Photographer – Camera always in one hand and drink in the other. It doesn’t matter if it’s theirs or not. They have a compulsion to document everything, but oh so fun to peruse those pics the next day.
– The Bar Tender – Has a knack for mixing delicious drinks, and ends up with a shaker in hand all night.
– The Drinks Giver – Manages to hand out shots, but sneakily none for themselves.
– The Chucker – Sometimes too much too soon, or has been drinking an awful lot. It all comes out the same way it went in, as well as their dinner, lunch and some random bits of peas and corn. Either comas out or is carried home.
– The Sober Driver – You are awesome and make the world go round!
So, what’s your party personality?