Food, it’s a necessity. We need it to function and survive. Food goes in, we do stuff, and poos go out.
Food collection has taken on a new meaning from the days of old. Hunting and foraging means rustling up a concoction from leftovers or sticking your head in the deep freeze to see what inspirational meal you can pluck out.
We now get to make choices on what we want to satisfy our empty stomachs with. There’s a lot of food out there; fresh, frozen, processed, organic, fast, diet…… the list goes on. Some that are delicacies in one culture, are offal in the next.
But there’s some food lurking out there that simply should not be considered food….
– Anything containing the word sprouts. I’m talking about brussel and alfalfa. Brussel sprouts – a condensed cabbage that is a package full of evil. Thank God Dad didn’t like them, because it was a rare occasion that they made it to the dinner table. Alfalfa – the overly strong tasting sandwich filler. Quite frankly, it needs to just stay in its little container and be used for practice at bikini waxing school.
– Liver. I hated the days when Dad carved up a beast and came home blood-soaked bearing a gift of fresh liver for Mum. It would get chopped up, slapped in flour, and put into the hot pan to stink out the house. And don’t let the old “It’s good for you. It’s full of iron”, fool you.
– Luncheon sausage. I look back on it now and wonder why we would even contemplate voluntarily purchasing a processed tube o’ meat, which looks suspiciously like dog roll.
– Shellfish. For most of you, it’s a heavenly treat. For Jews, it’s on the same par as eating a bacon sandwich with cheese. For me, it was hearing my Nana’s vivid description of eating oysters. “It’s like a cat having kittens at the back of your mouth.”
– The almond layer of icing on a Christmas cake. Fruit cake, yeah it’s not bad. Plain white icing rolled out and carefully placed on top, thick and sweet. Sneaky layer of almond flavoured icing hiding underneath, awful.
– The black jellybean. You don’t like them, so you leave them. You offer the bag round, hoping someone will say “Yum, black jellybeans.” Nobody ever does. They lie there and wait, knowing full well that they have the cockroach-esque ability to survive. You end up with the black beans in the bottom of the bag. Even when you’re desperate, you won’t go there.
– Cans of meat. Let’s just leave that for the cats, aye.
I could go on to list pages full of food that shouldn’t be food. My mother would attest to that, as I was the fussiest kid on the block. But I think it’s safe to say that I got my point across. There really is just some food that shouldn’t be food.