I was sitting at home, lying in the sun and writing. It was all a bit perfect, until a fly flew past. Then one perched on my computer, and then another one. I actually had to get up and get the fly spray. Then I realised that I could get one up on them, by writing why they suck.
So here are the reasons why flies suck:
1. They always manage to land on your precious food. We all know where they have potentially landed before they decided they should flop out their sucker-thingy on your nice steak.
2. They land on you, you shoo them off, then they come right back. Cheeky buggers.
3. They seem to manage to find a buddy to procreate with, in front of you, when you’re not getting any. They know it and they are just rubbing it in.
4. The rubbing of their front two legs together. Scheming and plotting, just like C. Montgomery Burns. I just watched one rub its back two legs together… Show off.
5. Summer comes and they manage to suddenly emerge in droves, when you are cooking meat. Now I know the smell of barbequed meat is delicious, but hey where the heck did they all come from?
6. They sneak into your fridge, hitching a ride on the salad.
7. Their ability to appear dead in a chiller. You sweep it out and like a cat with nine lives, it wakes up and flies off.
8. The obvious name. Flies, they fly.
How to get sweet, sweet revenge:
1. Purchase a fly swat. Nothing is as satisfying as whacking a fat fly against the wall with a bright yellow swat. Slam! Human 1 – Fly 0
2. Purchase one of those electric swatters that look like a tennis racquet. Hit those flies and hear that ‘zap’.
3. Over-spraying with fly spray. Don’t release your finger, until they can’t move.
4. Catch one, tie some string to it, and turn it into your very own pet. Now take it for a ‘walk’.
There is no denying the fact the flies aren’t the greatest of all creatures. They’re here to serve a purpose. But why do they have to be so damn annoying?