I was unusually having a morning coffee and showering at the same time (it’s unusual for me to have a coffee in the morning, not a shower), when I came to realise something – the power of the shower.
This was my virgin run of having a coffee in the shower. You see, I’ve started a food/shower relationship. I discovered it a couple of weeks ago when I had a midnight shower and a line of white chocolate. It was such an amazing experience, that I had to do it again a few days later. Getting clean and eating treats at the same time is the way to go, because you are really rewarding yourself for your good behaviour.
I love a long hot shower. When I’m really going all out, I turn Solid Gold Hits up so loud that the purple-haired granny living across the road can jive along too. I leave all the doors leading to the bathroom open for maximum music volume, and then I engage in a total clean episode. This involves shaving, shampooing, and scrubbing. Sometimes I am standing in there for so long, that I need to sit down.
There’s also nothing like a steaming hot bath. The kind that you sliiiiide into. Like a knob of butter down a piece of hot, white toast. Then you stay for a while until it’s time to get your raisin fingers out. It’s even better with candle light, music, bubbles, chocolate….. Mmmm, eating chocolate in the bath. Not gum though. My brother dropped some in the tub when we were little whippersnappers. We had to scrape that snotty green mess off with bread and butter knives. Nice one George.
Koreans know how to bathe. They have the sauna (pronounced ‘sow-nah’). Once a week you go to the public bath house; separated into male and female domains, complete with sauna rooms, hot green tea pools and little stations with shower heads and mirrors. After stripping off to your birthday suit, you wander in with your basket of cleaning goodies. Middle-aged daughters are scrubbing their mother’s skin red, kids are driving their toy cars through the pools of water while mum is applying a facial mask, and the ladies are generally pretending not to stare at me and my Western-sized arse and knockers.
The first time I went with a friend, we wore our bikinis. This was a big mistake. Our prudish behaviour warranted glares from the unclothed locals. Months later, I decided to go all out. I was going to go strip bare as well as ordering a massage. This was the most liberating experience yet, as my nude body was pulverised by an older Korean woman only wearing see-through knickers. At one point, she was straddling me and her nipples were pecking at my back like hungry chickens that had just been thrown some grain. Inhibitions, embarrassment, and bashfulness were left at the sauna entrance door as I put on a cloak of liberation.
I ended up going once a week during the winter months, to soak my tired tae kwon do stretched muscles. I loved the feeling of walking outside into the snow with the cool air hitting my completely smooth skin. It exceeded all expectations of fresh.
Ironically, I am sitting here in my own filth indeed in need of a rinse. I think I’ll have some toast this time.