After nearly a year of kinda putting up with sore hips and residing to the fact that maybe I shouldn’t run, I was referred to an orthopaedic doctor for a consultation. I’d started off the day pretty awesomely with Scone Toast for Breakfast, so I didn’t anticipate the following awkwardness to ensue.
I turned up in good time and read a seasoned magazine in the waiting room. My name was called and I was greeted by a ridiculously handsome young doctor. I had been expecting someone at least twice my age, so I most probably couldn’t feign the surprise when I went to shake hands.
In his room he commented on the uniqueness of my name and I nodded saying I was “one of a kind”. After going through medical history and being manipulated with stretches, he sent me off next door for an x-ray to rule anything out.
I joked with the nurses in the radiology department about my up-coming trip to the states.
“Will you be there for Independence Day?”
“Yep, I’ll actually be at an international hotdog eating contest at Coney Island. I’m just spectating because I’d be a one-dog wonder.”
“You’d need a good gag reflex if you were in it.”
“Porn stars should probably enter.”
This wasn’t the awkward bit. They actually laughed at my joke.
Expecting to take back an A3 sized print to the doctor, the radiologist handed me a CD. Expecting to give the orthopaedic doctor the CD, I was welcomed with my x-ray on his computer. There was my name clearly printed with my enlarged pelvis, spine, the top of both femurs and the outline of my bits that I really wasn’t expecting to see on the giant screen.
“Sorry I didn’t smile.”
The doctor cracked a roll back in your chair laugh.
He went on to tell me that my hips were all good and solid and diagnosed me with underachieving gluteals (I’m a lazy arse). I couldn’t help but stare at my latest snapshot; brutally honest to the bones. I was then sent on my way with a hundred million daily stretches to complete.
I now have the knowledge that arthritis isn’t on the cards and a lovely new portrait to put on the fridge. Here it is:
Sorry, the image has been manipulated. I photoshopped in the spine, femurs and pelvis.