I’m on NJ’s Euro Tour – 2012 Edition. Basically, an invite to a wedding in Ireland and cheap return flights to London has lead the inner opportunist to surface. So for the next 5 weeks I will be hopping from country to country, in and around city to city – Edinburgh, Dublin, Paris, London and Tokyo.
So here’s what I’ve learnt in Scotland:
A spurtle is a specialized utensil to maximize the stirring of your pot of porridge, with less ‘stick to the spoon’ factor. Essentially it’s a stick with a bit of tartan ribbon tied to the end, so that it doesn’t look like a stick. A 75 year old man made it and with a story like that, of course the tourist will buy it… that and the fact that it’s called a spurtle. I’ve found that it’s so unique, that even the locals don’t know what it is.
Sometimes you feel like you are walking around in a giant castle.
The most interesting taxi drivers are the ones with the thickest Scottish accents and the most hilarious stories that you use up hearing calories to understand and hopefully laugh at in the right places.
There are no awkward silences with truly good friends. Even though 6 years have passed, you can pick up where you left off from.
The only people wearing kilts are tourists and people trying to attract tourists.
Always carry an umbrella, even if it’s deceptively sunny. Actually, always carry an umbrella and jacket; it is summer after all.
Expect the unexpected; there are frosts forecast for tomorrow morning.
You can never wear too much make up in Glasgow.
Braw’ is Scottish for perfect. When a Kiwi uses it in context with the local bus drivers for having the braw amount of change, it makes even the deepest furrowed brow smile.
There are far too many treats here for my own good.
Climbing The Scot Monument in Edinburgh is a great feat in itself. Not only is there one spiral staircase up and down, but it gets smaller towards the top. And if you’re leading the way down and turn around, you’ll be staring into a stranger’s crotch.
TK Max is a magical handbag place that I shouldn’t have been introduced to.
Making your own personal whisky tour along The Royal Mile is a great way to quench your thirst in between watching Fringe Festival street performers.
Haggis should never be tried for the first time when you are hungover.
Irn Bru cures hangovers and takes away the haggis breath.
Taking a bus ride from city to city is a great way to see the cute little villages and the countryside; but if you are a female or a man with moobs, make sure you wear a very supportive bra or are prepared with some duct tape.
After a night out in Glasgow, I want to start a comedy routine titled ‘Is this what men are really like? Tales from the widow.’
The last train of the night from Glasgow to Edinburgh is lovingly nicknamed ‘The Vomit Comet’.
The Church of the Holy Rude in Stirling deceptively attracts visitors. It’s far from ‘rude’, but more ethereal and calming. It would actually be rude not to go.
I wouldn’t like to be immortalized as a statue in Scotland, even if it was on a horse or holding a sword, or on a horse holding a sword. Pigeons and oversized gulls like to sit on the statue’s heads and crap. I would hate to be known as an eternal shithead.
I’ve started my quest to internationally locate some self-control. I’ve found a giraffe onesie in Glasgow and bar shots were only £2… apparently I can’t even put a price on self-control.
Next stop, Ireland!