You know how bodies are neither symmetrical nor the same; every body comes with its own idiosyncrasies and more pros than cons…. right…? (I know you may be potentially shaking your head in disagreement). You know the stuff that makes us unique; like the one foot fatter than the other, the one smaller breast and the one droopier testicle (now you’re nodding your head). Well I discovered to the shock and horror that can only be likened to finding your first grey hair, that I in fact have one nostril twice the size of the other. There really is only one word for it – ‘ghastly’.
In order to accept my nostril discovery, I have begun telling people about it to make it feel somewhat normal (although the reactions swing from the ‘wow I can’t believe it’ stare to the ‘you’re a freak show’ look of terror). So the other night, I randomly told my friend over Facebook of my plight.
Here is the conversation that ensued:
NJ: Earlier this year while applying mascara i discovered that I have one nostril twice the size of the other. Dad has the same thing, so it could be genetic…. but then again he’s had his nose misshapen on the rugby field. So either I punched myself in my sleep, or I was a coke snorter in a previous life
It hasn’t always been this way… when I was breast-fed, my nostrils were in tip-top symmetrical form.
K: lol i gota see this shit hahah
NJ: it even sifted it’s way into my new passport photo
NJ: I even tried to even it out by sticking a tempura prawn up there. it didn’t work.
K: hope u didnt waste that prawn
NJ: Trying to stretch my nose defect is not wasting it.
K: ive never noticed it so im sure its fine
NJ: OMG…. did you know that there is a fbook ad on my page called ‘Lesbians on the Loose’. I can’t stop laughing. I may have snorted a little, through my big nostril
NJ: are you looking up lesbians on the loose now?
K: nah, tryn to see ur nostril
NJ: i dont think there’s any photographic evidence on my fb page
K: not that i can see
NJ: oh yeah, i found one and another one…
K: lol barely. wat shall his name be? nostradamus?
K: hahah not obvious
NJ: ooooo, good one
K: ooooo nice
NJ: nostrel california
K: majorilous nostrous maximus
NJ: a canostrophe
K: im outa ammo
ur still good
NJ: boom! snoop nostril…. sounds better than snoop lion
So now my one over-sized nostril is a male and it has a string of aliases, kind of like Christopher George Latore Wallace A.K.A Notorious BIG….. Nostrorious BIG. Brilliant! Time to sell my nose off for its short comings… let’s just call it getting a nose job.*
*I only accept responsibility for the pun if you actually liked it.