I just rehashed a negative thought from 1.5 years ago. It just popped into my mind, like the door was open and ready to offer it a cup of tea. It was something I thought that was a great idea at the time, where I was standing my ground in my workplace and it turns out that it backfired into something I couldn’t forecast.
The thought has jumped into my head and consumed me alive; making me feel guilty, nervous, shaky and sick to the stomach. Why? Why is it still making me feel like I have a menagerie of wild animals fighting with each other in my tummy? Why have I allowed this to happen? Why is this thought even still in existence? Why can’t I be confident enough to get rid of it and let it go?
For years I used my horrible high school horror stories as a means to justify behaviours and personal thoughts of being a less than awesome human being. Feelings of rejection in a social realm fuelled my post-school character to become isolated at times and carry a burden of self-doubt and worthlessness. Going nowhere blame makes for a very negative outlook. Mr T would try with all his might to help shift my thinking. Instead of engaging in a pity party with me because he had some similarly awkward experiences, he tried to help me let it go. “That was then, Babe. It doesn’t matter now.” Now that he’s no longer here, I’ve finally started listening. One of the best pieces of advice that he had given me was “What have I told you about thinking? It’ll get you into trouble.” Never a truer word spoken.
So instead of reliving those thoughts/conversations/moments with all the passion of hate and hurt in my inner voice, I’m turning those experiences into platforms for propelling forward to be the best that I can be. I’m learning to put all of the negative hurtful comments, memories and things I overly felt guilty about saying when I really shouldn’t feel bad at all, into a box and nailing it shut saying “F it!” with a lot of effort.
I know I’m not the only one with a swirly whirly brain storming away with what feels like past regrets of should’ve said this, shouldn’t have said that; but the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to turn those into a prosperity of positivity. Stop being so hard on your awesome self and drink from the glass of half-full. It’s absolutely delicious!