The black dog bites. It has an insatiable hunger and is relentless once it sinks its teeth in. Some escape with emotional scars, others cannot free themselves from the grasp. Upon his death, it was revealed that my older brother could not run from the black dog as it had held him close and gripped his soul.
It sucks, it actually effing sucks. I’ve traipsed many a foggy days under a heavy cloak of grief; thinking, not thinking. A permanent lump sat in my throat just waiting to release tears at any given moment. I was so angry at what he’d done and so sad at how he was feeling, at how he could just leave the world behind… leave us behind.
It still hurts. It hurts to know that my mum has to live with the loss of her first-born son, that my siblings have that empty space where he once was, that my nephews can only hold onto his memory, and that my niece, his daughter will grow up without her dad. Her mummy now has the role of both parents; answering questions and talking about the cool man that daddy was.
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. This is a big issue in New Zealand where statistics show that more people take their own lives, per year, than they die from car accidents. It hurts my heart to think of those souls wandering around with their heads hung low, lost; unable to look up at the sunshine. It also hurts to know that there are others out there who miss their loved ones as much as I do.
I started this I Heart Tuesdays column earlier this year, as I had struggled with finding happiness and self-esteem last year, after his death. I persisted with faking it until I made it and although I waver from time to time, I get back on track knowing that tomorrow is a brilliant new day. I hope this blog helps you as much as it helps me. x