I love a good epiphany that smacks you in the face while you are in the midst the most mundane of activities. This one is from when I was mowing the lawns last weekend; pushing that machine back and forth into a green gridded pattern.
I am a procrastinator. You know the kind, when you have all of the time in the world to do things and you make up all of the excuses in the world not to do them. These are the interruption excuses; the ‘oh I’ll just get up and make a cup of tea’ instead of continuing on my writing mojo. I am notorious for this form of self-sabotage.
Hey, wow, that does look pretty. N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S.
Well, I was pushing that mower forward and wondering how I can also progress forward in my work life. A while ago I decided that I want to help other people through the art of motivational speaking, and complimenting this by writing little life guides, quite like these little ‘I Heart Tuesdays’ blogs. I’ve made a step by honing my public speaking skills through Toastmasters, and continuing to contribute to my blog. But I need to do more.
You see, when I write I often take breaks. I tell myself that it’s because I need a creative refuel, but really I don’t trust myself to just keep powering on through. I’m only accountable to me in that respect and I allow myself to slip into old habits; to think that what I’m producing is bollocks.
There is also washing to fold and stuff into my drawers, cats who miaow at me for pats, cats that sit near me for pats, and the internet to check. Because you know, that internet likes to be checked many times a day.
Could someone just save me from myself? Oh… that job is up to me – seriously!
While I was mowing the lawns, I realised that I procrastinate because I don’t believe in myself and the worth of what I produce. Woah! I don’t believe in myself enough to hunt down the path that will lead me to speaking on a stage in front of strangers, sharing what I’ve learnt. I don’t believe that what I write is worthwhile for somebody else’s eyes. I tell myself that I am, that I’m providing something meaningful, but I haven’t been listening and feeling this right to the core of the cheerleading team in my brain. At the moment they are chanting N.O.T.O.R.I.O.U.S.
There is also the fear of the unknown, which really is quite effing ridiculous. I travelled the globe on my own, on a whim for crying out loud! How could I be even remotely scared for doing something that is a bit more normalised, like speaking and writing?
Self pep talk heard – loud and clear!
I finished mowing that lawn with a new vigour. The first part of change is knowing what I want to change. The next step is doing it. That’s the stuff that stories are regaled about later on.
“Remember that time you thought that you would never speak in front of an audience about life, and then you did?”
“Yeah… that was crazy talk.”
“And when you published your first book, and you cried a little because you thought that it was a dream on a cloud, high up in the sky.”
“It’s funny how I never thought I’d get to do anything like that, and now I do that all of the time. It’s my job, just like I wanted it to be.”
“I know, right?”